Every day the television is telling us that we’re supposed to try and make it to the top, mine does it even when it’s not turned on (but only after about fifteen beers or thereabouts). The shiniest of supermodels and helicopters to tropical paradises await if we could only get our shit together and buy the right hair conditioner. Well the truth is most of us will never even smell the farts of those who have made it to the top and here’s six reasons why you’ll never find that sweet aroma in my abused nostrils.
- I Have Respect for my Elders.
Apart from that one time when I threw my Grandad from a third story window (he totally deserved it by the way), I have always had respect for my elders, but the modern corporate world frowns upon that kind of thing. We can’t frown for too long though, don’t want those forehead wrinkles giving away our real age now, do we? And considering my face looks like an elephants behind, it’s a sure fire thing I’m not making it to the top. By the way my grandfather was fine after his unfortunate tumble out the window. He luckily landed on my grandmother who is quite a heavy set old wench. Which brings me to….
- I’m fat as Fuck.
Most of us are carrying a little extra weight, but I’m carrying most people’s little extra. My eyebrows have their own fat rolls and my earlobes have double chins. I’m a fat fuck now but I look back on the days when I was just a fat bastard and a tear rolls from my eye. Unfortunately my arms are so fat the only way I can wipe that tear away is with a mop. And my mother uses that same mop to clean the kitchen floor, the bleach on the mop stings my eyes and it’s a never ending cycle of ocular abuse. Try telling that story in the boardroom and see if they’ll accept you on the rapid advancement program.
- My Ass is Hairier than my Head.
I haven’t had visual proof of this for some time now because of problems with my vision. Those problems are due to a surplus of bleach in my eyes and generally being a fat fuck (see above). But with a carefully set up system of 47 mirrors, visual confirmation of my ass being hairier than my head will soon be restored. I don’t require visual proof though as the shower drain gets completely blocked quite regularly and usually it’s immediately after my weekly shower. Which I take religiously every Friday night even if I don’t need to. The man who comes to clean the drain is always surprised that I’m still alive. His name is Jorge and he’s been coming here for six years. I asked him once if I could clean his van for a little extra cash and he laughed in my jelly face. If Jorge won’t give me a job you can bet my fat rippling ass I’m never making it to the top.
- It Takes Me Half an Hour to Take a Dump.
In the fast paced world of the corporate greasy ladder and synergy backstabbing and what not, there’s not a single minute to be wasted. And to be honest I’m usually wasted most minutes of the day. Being perpetually wasted means that you eat way too much and generally don’t give a fuck about anything that people who wear suits seem to find so vain-poppingly important. They seem to care about reports and such in exactly the same way that I don’t care about reports and such. And when those reports are going to be ready is so important that large hungry dogs have been brought in to boost productivity. Now, you’re probably a lot like me. I like to take my time about the important things in life, like taking a dump. It’s not to be rushed. Let’s face it, you could hurt yourself (where are those health and safety bastards when you really need them). So I take about half an hour to make sure the kids have been dropped off at the pool. If the report was to be finished on time, I’d have to take it in there with me and I’m not that stupid. Nobody’s gonna’ read that report after they know it’s been in there with me.
- I Haven’t Attempted to Kill My Parents for Personal Gain.
Most of us will never reach the top and most of will never attempt to kill our parents for personal gain. And although I have thought about it many, many, many, many, many (I’m too tired to keep writing all these manys, but you get the idea) times I have still not attempted it. Why? I hear you ask (in real life I wouldn’t hear you because I have an inner ear infection that I’m trying to treat with mop bleach), would someone attempt to kill their parents? And of course there’s only one answer, cash. The really interesting question is why someone wouldn’t attempt to kill their parents for personal gain? And that answer is of course, laziness. I have been afflicted with a strange disease from birth. It’s very hard to pin down but millions across the western world suffer from the same problem. I’m just so god damned lazy I can’t even be bothered to kill my own parents. What a sad excuse for a human being I am. Which brings me to the final reason that I (and probably you too) will never reach the top…
- I just can’t get enough of that delicious meth amphetamine.
Some drug addictions are hugely beneficial for many different reasons. Cocaine can help you get to the top. Especially if you are in the cocaine selling business. Caffeine helps you stay focused. But most people don’t know that being addicted to meth amphetamine can be really beneficial too. If you have a phobia about your own teeth then meth amphetamine is the drug for you. Don’t say no to drugs, say no to ‘teeth phobia’. People have been afraid of their teeth for too long in this country and I’m sick of it. Someone has to stand up and be counted and that someone is me (not right now though because of that thing that’s wrong with my back and I’m a little tired but I will totally, one hundred percent do it at some time in the future). And so for all these reasons and probably about forty seven hundred other reasons, I’m never making it to the top.
If you’re reading this then it’s probably like someone was telling you a story about your own life. Don’t despair, we may all be fat, clogged up meth addicts who even Jorge won’t give a job to but as long as we can fit out the front door we have each other. And in the end isn’t that what really counts? (I’m pretty sure that’s not what really counts but don’t take my word for it, I’m an obese meth addict for fuck sake.)