Three adorable kittens have been recently shot to ribbons in Los Angeles, California. In West Hollywood, Officer ‘Big Fat Bob’ Petersen fired off 127 armour piercing rounds as the kittens, ‘just came out of nowhere’. Local police chief, Sergeant Vinny Pimento, spoke to the media stating, ‘Kittens are always armed and dangerous and represent a huge threat to the brave officers of the LAPD. They have those scrabby claws and stuff, and their fangs are like razor sharp. Razor sharp like bullets.’ Pimento continued, ‘Officer Petersen was more than justified in using necessary force… and, he’s a hero, and he’s an inspiration to all law enforcement who has had to deal with this things on a daily in and out basis of things.’
43 officers arrived on the scene armed with grenade launchers and an ‘urban tank’ after a 911 call came through that the kitten’s mother was stuck on a ledge. Officer Petersen added, ‘People say it’s lucky when an African American cat crosses your path but it wasn’t for… wait… is it lucky or unlucky? Anyway, I’m just glad my training kicked in and I got out of there alive.’
86 year old grandmother of four and owner of the kittens, Rania Tanios, was neutralised when 29 stray bullets caressed her face and torso. Sergeant Pimento stated she, ‘looked kinda Muslamic’ and added that there would be no additional investigation. A candle-lit vigil is planned for the kittens as a shattered community tries to process its grief.