Lies, Damn Lies and Shitistics

A new Empire Cinemas study into people’s attitudes to watching films has revealed a startling level of delusion and a comic lack of self awareness among UK cinema goers.  Now I might be a bitter, twisted old drug addict but thankfully using lots of hallucinogenic drugs and automatically judging situations according to past experiences doesn’t cloud one’s judgement. At least not like the participants of this recent study.  According to the study, 65% of respondents said they go to the cinema for ‘happiness’.  Well the last time I went to the pictures the other people there made so much noise eating, giggling and talking to each other that my rage could only be calmed by a few solid hits on the peace pipe (a.k.a. crack pipe).  My bewilderment of the experience only intensified as I  watched the trailers and tried to understand why anyone outside of a research laboratory would let Adam Sandler in front of a camera again.  Surely studio executives couldn’t be on more drugs than me, could they?

Sadness was also a reason people went to the cinema (I usually find my family does a good enough job of that) with 20% of people saying the last time they cried was watching a movie.  Having recently watched ‘Grown Ups 2’ I can see were they are coming from.   I wept all through that long night.  And it had nothing to do with doggy acid that son-of-a-bitch Jorge sold me.  If anything the pink goblin that was hanging on my ear had better jokes than Sandler and Kevin James put together.

The shitistics then show that more men than women believe that going to see a romantic comedy is good for their relationship with 16% versus 11%. What does this tell tell us about modern society?  Women are manipulative and men are stupid, but we all knew that anyways.  Now I might be constantly on drugs but even I know that men hate romcoms.  I once had an aneurysm when my ex-harridan suggested we watch Love Actually for the second time.  It took me six months of physiotherapy to get over the brain damage and food still slides out the side of my mouth but thank the Flying Spaghetti Monster I didn’t have to put my poor brain through that pestilence of a movie again.   Richard Curtis can suck the dried gravy out of my beard before I watch another one of his movies (I think it’s gravy, but he won’t be sucking on my beard any time soon so lets not worry about it).

But the important part of the report is that 20% of people said comedy movies have helped them get through tough times in their lives, and I hope that’s why you’re reading this.  Remember, the inmates are running the asylum but it’s not you who’s crazy, it’s the world.

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