The conservative ruling party of the UK has announced plans to introduce new ‘Gulag’ style labour camps in an attempt to kick start the economy and get people back to work. The Department for Work and Pensions minister, Iain Duncan Smith, has said, ‘the poorest, most vulnerable people in society are really struggling at the minute due to our austerity measures and they really need help to stop being a burden on the super-rich of the UK and the private pension funds we have sold off their assets to.’
The plans are to open a fleet of brand new labour camps across the country based on the highly successful gulag model of soviet Russia. IDS said, ‘the soviet model proved very successful in getting millions of serfs back to work and serves as a best practice model for 21st century Britain.’ He continued, ‘the outbreak of suicides we have seen in the UK lower and middle classes can also be helped by constant monitoring of the citizens in the Gulags to ensure any deaths are the result of exhaustion and malnourishment and not someone having a bit of a bad day. No-one can say we’re not tackling the suicide problem in modern Britain!’ Mr Smith also apologised for the missing buttons on his shirt, stating that he required large amounts of expensive food to give him the energy to introduce food saving measures like the Gulag system. He then reiterated that the stains on said shirt were in fact tomato ketchup and nothing else.
When asked how the government would convince people to get involved with the Gulag scheme the minister said, ‘we will gently coerce members of the public into joining the scheme through measures like: water hoses, riot police and fluffy meerkat toys for the children.’ Although some of these measures may seem a little harsh, Iain Duncan Smith also said that, ‘most people will voluntarily join the scheme due to factors beyond the government’s control; such as homelessness, starvation and inordinate tax burdens on the poor.’ One member of the general public described the move as ‘not a massive surprise from that fascist c**t!’