Men like their best friends more than they like their girlfriends. That’s a scientific fact that Galileo proved thousands of years ago, don’t google it though. I recently came across a Buzzfeed article called ’18 Milestones All Friends Must Go Through To Become Best Friends’ and realised I had only done four of them and in a much more disgusting way than was described in the article. For example, number 17 on the list, ‘Giving them amateur medical advice’, sure I’ve done that. But more along the lines of, ‘If you’re constipated then drink eight pints of Guinness dude, that’ll clean you right out’. I soon realised that my experiences were different because I am a smelly man and the article was written by a (probably smells like flowers) lady. If I was unsure about that then number 18 on the list, ‘Having a three hour conversation about absolutely nothing’, confirmed it for me. The only time this has happened is when I butt dialled my friend and he was too plastered drunk to notice.
Therefore I decided to put together a list of my own from the male perspective. Mine only has 10 things rather than 18 because men are more efficient than women (take that ladies!).
1. Lie to the police
This has happened to me dung loads of times and usually involves me explaining that my friend went down that ally because he thought he heard an injured puppy crying for help, he definitely didn’t go down there to urinate or look for hookers.
2. Lie to his boss.
It can be hard to lie to your boss about being sick without laughing down the phone. Real friends do it for each other. I once told my friend’s boss he had syphilis, I didn’t know what it was at the time.
3. Lie to his girlfriend.
Sometimes your best friend’s girlfriend is onto him and you just have to take one in the gut and pretend you’re not in the bar and you have no idea where he is. ‘I think he said something about going to the florist.’.
4. Give him money to go drinking.
‘I can’t afford it,’ is never an excuse for your best friend not to go drinking. Every day is St. Patrick’s Day when you’ve got friends (and a serious alcohol problem).
5 Give him money for weed.
Giving your friend money for weed is the loan that you know is never going to be paid back, because you’re smoking that weed too (even Judge Judy knows that).
6. Watch him drink and smoke til he vomits.
We’ve all been there, ‘I’m not saying get it all in the toilet but, you know, aim for the toilet’.
7. Laugh at him vomiting.
Part of being a really good friend is laughing your ass off at his misfortune. Basically because as soon as something bad happens to you, you know he’ll be howling in your ear holes.
8. Vomit with him.
Nothing brings two men together like going into battle, shoulder to shoulder. And sometimes, if you’re going to slay the evil demons of boredom and thoroughly hating your life, you will end up puking in tandem. Life is beautiful.
9. Apologise in advance for things that are probably going to happen.
Yep, we’re not exactly sure what’s going to happen. But we’re exactly sure you’re not going to like it.
10. Apologise for things that did happen but you don’t remember.
Being best friends with your perfect drinking buddy means being able to say sorry. And if he truly is your perfect drinking buddy, he will accept your apology and never tell you what you are saying sorry for. Hangovers are for healing, not for bringing up old shit.
So what have we learned from this exploration of bromance?
MEN ARE AWESOME!
Never forget it.
Oh, and by the way, humans are stupids.